My Family

My Family

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

The story of my life

Wednesday’s Devotion

The Civil War Within

From whence come wars and fightings among you? come they not hence, even of your lusts that war in your members? ―James 4:1

There is a cliché among the “Deeper Life” crowd that says: “You need to get out of Romans seven and into Romans eight.” This sounds spiritual, but it’s not scriptural. The truth is the man groaning in chapter seven is still at it in the next chapter. Inward civil war between the flesh and Spirit is the Christian’s lot, and it’s life-long.
After all, how could we ever claim victories without battles?

The way to deal with our “dark side,” that is, the side that’s in continual opposition to God, is by denial. Not denying its existence, but in recognition. When Peter denied knowing Christ, he was not denying Christ’s existence. He denied any recognition of Him. When “the old man” attempts to usurp authority in our lives, we are to deny him any and all rights; we are not to recognize any of his demands.

In the movie, A Beautiful Mind, actor Russell Crowe plays a true life character who’s a schizophrenic. Toward the end, when the character he portrays is asked if he still had difficulties, he replied, “I still see things, I just don’t acknowledge them.

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

why do i do this to myself?

This is totally me right now:
This too:


Everybody was at least one thing that they struggle with. An internal battle between you and God, that always seems like a constant, never ending battle. Just about the time I feel like I've conquered it, I screw it up, and my first immediate thought is this:

The best you can do is brace yourself and hope that the worst case scenario DOESN'T happen, even if you know you full well deserve it.


That's the only explanation I'm giving, just needed to say how stupid i can be sometimes.

Friday, March 13, 2009

My "Proof" of God.

I was talking to some friends about how I feel like God operates sometimes. I was saying how I think that everyone has their own "proof". Little miracles that he does in everyone's lives that is his way of saying, "HEY! You there! Pay attention to me!" I told them what mine was, and I was thinking it's a good idea to post it on here. Maybe someone else can get a blessing out of it, and start thinking of their own proof.

In 2004, I was kicked out of the youth group at my church for what I felt was a highly unjustified reason. I left the church, though not just for this. There were other things that had happened over the years that I kept forgiving people for, so this was basically the last straw. We searched around for other churches, but nothing else ever really felt like home. Eventually we stopped going all together, and consequently, I became extremely bitter and angry. I was angry at Pastor for not defending me, and being hypocritical. I was angry at the youth leaders who were supposed to be my friends, for bowing to peer pressure. I was angry at the people involved for the condescending way they spoke down to me, and I was very offended that they insulted my parents and upbringing. I was angry at OTHER parents who had nothing to do with the situation yet somehow managed to have a hand in getting me kicked out. I was only briefly angry at God (like 2 weeks) decided that was dumb, and focused my spite on Christians. Though I never abandoned my basic foundations of faith, I seriously hated the whole idea of calling myself a Christian because that would mean I would be associating myself with the very same people who betrayed me. I'm not saying this because I'm still mad. It's solely just to give you the background of how far I had fallen from Grace.

When we had decided to get on official "trying status", we didn't even realize something was wrong until about a year after and we still hadn't conceived. The doctor told us, well 1 year is normal for the depo shot (evil hsss stay away!) so we tried again for another year still with no baby in sight. When we went back for a checkup and to find answers, the doctor realized "Oh it's been 2 years?!?" He had us make an appt with the gyno to make sure everything was working correctly. After numerous tests, they decided I wasn't ovulating. Now we had to figure out why not. We went to several specialists, and various doctors, and no one had an answer for us. It was always the same ol "well it's a medical mystery". I saw a fertility specialist and even started fertility pills, and STILL no baby. I stopped those because they made me feel funny and they weren't working, anyway. After Justin checked out fine, they started counseling us on adoption and IVF. I'm cool with adoption, but I was a little apprehensive with the IVF because they abort some of the ones that aren't healthy enough to survive, so that basically wasn't an option for me. (disclaimer: not judging anyone who has decided to do this)

I was torturing myself with questions for God. Why is it that this 15 yr old who walks into the dental office can be 7 months pregnant but i can't be? Why is it that 4 of my friends who aren't married can get pregnant, yet I'm married, and I can't be? Why can someone who can barely take care of herself, and is financially unstable, have 4 kids, yet we have a stable income, manage our money well, yet we're not allowed?" Etc. This went on for almost the entire 3 years.

In August of '06 I went to a Jubilee at Bible Baptist Church. I went every day with a hardened heart. I didn't have a scowl on my face, but there was definitely one on my heart. It wasn't until the very last day, with the very last song that my heart finally had a defibrillator to it. It said, "Is anything to hard for God?" and I listened to the first few lines of the chorus...


There it was, just what I needed. I broke down, and started sobbing uncontrollably. Because the song talked about what I was feeling almost word for word. I fell to my knees at the altar and just cried my heart out to the Lord, and pleaded for forgiveness. I wept and begged, and wept some more. I've never cried so hard in my entire life. I felt like I had been holding my breath for the entire 3 years, and suddenly God breathed life into me. In that one instant, I had forgiven everyone for what they did...... POOF just like that, it was all gone. My bitterness and anger of which I held on to for dear life for so long, was completely gone. At first I was crying because of my sorrow for being so selfish to God. Then I started sobbing uncontrollably, because I knew for a fact God had forgiven me, and the relief was so intense, it was almost unbearable. I was thisclose to "havin me a shoutin fit!" as Pastor would say (lol)

Has that ever happened to you? Where you're crying because you're so sad about what you had done, but then when the person forgives you, you're crying because you're so grateful? Either way, I was a tear soaked, snotty mess! LOLOL ! On the way home, I told Justin about my decision to start going back to church, and that I wanted him to be the spiritual leader in our home, but that I wasn't going to guilt him into doing it. I wanted him to do it on his own conviction not mine.
HOWEVER, I did ask him this, which even to this day is a profound truth that hit me all of a sudden when I was at the altar.

"If we can't even give God the time we have now to him, why would he give us the gift of a child???" It makes no sense to think that he would do that. (for you naysayers, obviously, i know God gives children to people who don't even believe in him, I'm just saying, this was MY TRUTH... emphasis on mine).
"Alright," he says, "We'll go back to Bible Baptist." And it was settled.

In sept, I have no idea why, but I just decided to go get a pregnancy test. Of course, that turned out positive heheheh.

Two days later, we got an ultra sound, and I found out, that after 3 years of infertility, I got pregnant 2 days after I recommitted my life to the Lord. Something that there was no physical/medical explanation for, and I get pregnant after He softened my heart.

Tell me that's not a miracle!

So now, I'd like to know if you guys have any of your own personal "proof". Just put it in my blog comments, but if it's too personal, and you don't want to world to know, then message it to me.

Is Anything Too Hard For God - The Whisnants

Monday, January 12, 2009

Death of Common Sense

An Obituary printed in the London Times........ Interesting, and sadly, rather true.

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: Knowing when to come in out of the rain; Why the early bird gets the worm; Life isn't always fair; and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an Aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers;

I Know My Rights

I Want It Now

Someone Else Is To Blame

I'm A Victim

Makes you wonder what will be next ?? :-[

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.

Friday, January 9, 2009

Littlest Heroes Project

Another charity I got involved with is It was created by a 17 yr old who is pretty amazing with a camera. This organization is specifically for professional photographers to volunteer their time to photograph children who have diseases and disorders, and their families (if that's what they want to do). I'll be updating this project as I get more kids, but Devynn is my first one, and I think the photo session went fairly well.

She wasn't too entertained by me or my father.

But every time her brother did a silly face she laughed! It was soooo cute. So that was fun. Can't wait to do more shoots, but so far no one else has contacted me.

Project Child Smiles

I made this one for his mom, Lacey.

I got signed up with this charity called Project Child Smiles, and it's pretty awesome. You get paired up with a child who has a debilitating disease or disorder, and send them stuff for their birthdays, and holidays and days in between. For my newest child, I'm just making some collages for now. He's a sweet boy named Jaxson, 3 yrs old.

This is an excerpt from his mother's page:

"Jax was born with AV canal defect and PDA, with pulmonary hypertension. He has had three heart surgeries so far and he suffered a devastating hypoxic brain injury. He was unable to come off the ventilator for almost 4 months. He has paralized vocal cords from being intubated so many times and severe reflux."

Doing this charity has added bonuses. It makes a child and their family smile, and it makes me feel good.

So if you or someone you know, is an artist and can lend their talents to this great cause, tell them to sign up! I signed up through myspace, but I don't know how you can do it if you don't have one. So just message me, i guess and I'll get her email address for you.