My Family

My Family

Friday, March 13, 2009

My "Proof" of God.

I was talking to some friends about how I feel like God operates sometimes. I was saying how I think that everyone has their own "proof". Little miracles that he does in everyone's lives that is his way of saying, "HEY! You there! Pay attention to me!" I told them what mine was, and I was thinking it's a good idea to post it on here. Maybe someone else can get a blessing out of it, and start thinking of their own proof.

In 2004, I was kicked out of the youth group at my church for what I felt was a highly unjustified reason. I left the church, though not just for this. There were other things that had happened over the years that I kept forgiving people for, so this was basically the last straw. We searched around for other churches, but nothing else ever really felt like home. Eventually we stopped going all together, and consequently, I became extremely bitter and angry. I was angry at Pastor for not defending me, and being hypocritical. I was angry at the youth leaders who were supposed to be my friends, for bowing to peer pressure. I was angry at the people involved for the condescending way they spoke down to me, and I was very offended that they insulted my parents and upbringing. I was angry at OTHER parents who had nothing to do with the situation yet somehow managed to have a hand in getting me kicked out. I was only briefly angry at God (like 2 weeks) decided that was dumb, and focused my spite on Christians. Though I never abandoned my basic foundations of faith, I seriously hated the whole idea of calling myself a Christian because that would mean I would be associating myself with the very same people who betrayed me. I'm not saying this because I'm still mad. It's solely just to give you the background of how far I had fallen from Grace.

When we had decided to get on official "trying status", we didn't even realize something was wrong until about a year after and we still hadn't conceived. The doctor told us, well 1 year is normal for the depo shot (evil hsss stay away!) so we tried again for another year still with no baby in sight. When we went back for a checkup and to find answers, the doctor realized "Oh it's been 2 years?!?" He had us make an appt with the gyno to make sure everything was working correctly. After numerous tests, they decided I wasn't ovulating. Now we had to figure out why not. We went to several specialists, and various doctors, and no one had an answer for us. It was always the same ol "well it's a medical mystery". I saw a fertility specialist and even started fertility pills, and STILL no baby. I stopped those because they made me feel funny and they weren't working, anyway. After Justin checked out fine, they started counseling us on adoption and IVF. I'm cool with adoption, but I was a little apprehensive with the IVF because they abort some of the ones that aren't healthy enough to survive, so that basically wasn't an option for me. (disclaimer: not judging anyone who has decided to do this)

I was torturing myself with questions for God. Why is it that this 15 yr old who walks into the dental office can be 7 months pregnant but i can't be? Why is it that 4 of my friends who aren't married can get pregnant, yet I'm married, and I can't be? Why can someone who can barely take care of herself, and is financially unstable, have 4 kids, yet we have a stable income, manage our money well, yet we're not allowed?" Etc. This went on for almost the entire 3 years.

In August of '06 I went to a Jubilee at Bible Baptist Church. I went every day with a hardened heart. I didn't have a scowl on my face, but there was definitely one on my heart. It wasn't until the very last day, with the very last song that my heart finally had a defibrillator to it. It said, "Is anything to hard for God?" and I listened to the first few lines of the chorus...


There it was, just what I needed. I broke down, and started sobbing uncontrollably. Because the song talked about what I was feeling almost word for word. I fell to my knees at the altar and just cried my heart out to the Lord, and pleaded for forgiveness. I wept and begged, and wept some more. I've never cried so hard in my entire life. I felt like I had been holding my breath for the entire 3 years, and suddenly God breathed life into me. In that one instant, I had forgiven everyone for what they did...... POOF just like that, it was all gone. My bitterness and anger of which I held on to for dear life for so long, was completely gone. At first I was crying because of my sorrow for being so selfish to God. Then I started sobbing uncontrollably, because I knew for a fact God had forgiven me, and the relief was so intense, it was almost unbearable. I was thisclose to "havin me a shoutin fit!" as Pastor would say (lol)

Has that ever happened to you? Where you're crying because you're so sad about what you had done, but then when the person forgives you, you're crying because you're so grateful? Either way, I was a tear soaked, snotty mess! LOLOL ! On the way home, I told Justin about my decision to start going back to church, and that I wanted him to be the spiritual leader in our home, but that I wasn't going to guilt him into doing it. I wanted him to do it on his own conviction not mine.
HOWEVER, I did ask him this, which even to this day is a profound truth that hit me all of a sudden when I was at the altar.

"If we can't even give God the time we have now to him, why would he give us the gift of a child???" It makes no sense to think that he would do that. (for you naysayers, obviously, i know God gives children to people who don't even believe in him, I'm just saying, this was MY TRUTH... emphasis on mine).
"Alright," he says, "We'll go back to Bible Baptist." And it was settled.

In sept, I have no idea why, but I just decided to go get a pregnancy test. Of course, that turned out positive heheheh.

Two days later, we got an ultra sound, and I found out, that after 3 years of infertility, I got pregnant 2 days after I recommitted my life to the Lord. Something that there was no physical/medical explanation for, and I get pregnant after He softened my heart.

Tell me that's not a miracle!

So now, I'd like to know if you guys have any of your own personal "proof". Just put it in my blog comments, but if it's too personal, and you don't want to world to know, then message it to me.

Is Anything Too Hard For God - The Whisnants

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