This is totally me right now:
Everybody was at least one thing that they struggle with. An internal battle between you and God, that always seems like a constant, never ending battle. Just about the time I feel like I've conquered it, I screw it up, and my first immediate thought is this:
The best you can do is brace yourself and hope that the worst case scenario DOESN'T happen, even if you know you full well deserve it.
That's the only explanation I'm giving, just needed to say how stupid i can be sometimes.